Three Easy Steps to Increase your Swagger

     Swagger is not "swag" as youth today call it; there are absolutely no snapbacks or hemp clothing articles involved. Swagger is simply the American slang word for "class". Being classy is not something you can learn through a course, its a lifestyle. That being said, here is an online course about increasing your swagger.
      In order to teach swagger, let us first set up a situation: you are attending a distant relative's wedding, and flying solo. Let us begin.

1. Choosing the right tie makes all the difference.

     "Hong Kong? I know a good tailor in Hong Kong."-James Bond in Diamonds are Forever

     My father loves that quote, and as a young man he resolved to one day "know a good tailor" in Hong Kong. Of course, now that he travels to China all the time on business, he does know a good tailor in Hong Kong. Several, actually. They custom-tailor shirts for him and send them back to the US. And they're something like 350 HK dollars a piece (like 45 bucks). However, the best part is that he always brings me back silk ties. They're cheap over there because silk is so abundant, and the Hong Kong Chinese have long been versed in Western patterns and styles through the British. As such, I get new classy ties several times a year.

     Things to remember when choosing a tie:

     The color wheel. Light Blue shirts are complemented by dark, rich orange ties. Black ties go with white shirts. Pink or light red shirts go well with forest green ties. Darker ties also work well with shirts of the same color but a lighter hue. I should note that there is a fair deal of flexibility with color (Deep Purples and Golds generally pair well with almost anything), but don't wear a purple shirt with a yellow tie. You will be met with one of two questions; either "Are you joking?" or "Are you Belgian?".

Sir, get the %$&# out of my store. 

     Next, and most importantly, the pattern-matching. Square patterns go so well with pinstriped shirts- my favorite tie currently is a rich burnt orange with a very thin green square pattern. It sounds crazy, but it fits so well with the shirts I have. Plain shirts have a fair deal of flexibility; just make sure the color and pattern of the tie work well together with the shirt. "Peaked" (I prefer to avoid the term "polka dotted", because its NOT AT ALL an accurate descriptor) patterns generally fit well with plain shirts, for example (see our Joseph A. Banks guy above- notice how the color of the dots matches that of his shirt). Finally, the pattern of the coat (striped, plain, checkered, or even a tartan of sorts) will also factor in to which tie patterns work well. As an example of what does not work, my favorite tie when I was younger was a red, black and white diagonally striped tie. The colors were rich and matched with almost any suit. The pattern made sure that I looked like an idiot in almost any suit.
     If there's ever any doubt on a tie choice, just text a picture to your mom. If she can figure out how to reply to a text, she'll have some good advice. She wants you to look good for second cousin Rick's wedding, after all.

     2. Be sociable; dominate the conversation using only one-liners

     This is truly an art. No one likes the awkward guy sitting alone and staring at people, but no one likes the loudmouthed braggart either (I often struggle with finding the balance myself, and find myself swinging between extremes). In fact, the arrogant loudmouth is the worst person to be at a social engagement; it is the opposite of class. The goal here is to avoid sounding arrogant, while making yourself sound like an interesting person despite the fact you're a total dork. You do this with one-liners; they make it hard to be overly proud, but leave an air of mystery about you. If the girl sitting next to you at the table during the reception compliments your tie, don't say, "Thank You so very much. My father got it for me in China, he's a super important businessman, and he does lots of supply chain work. It's made of silk, which is really very expensive, but also soft and BLAH BLAH BLAH...."

AAAANNNNDDDD she's gone.

Simply say something like "Thanks. I know a good tailor in Hong Kong." Classy. Swagger mode initiated. And what's going through her mind at that point? 'Ohmigosh, he goes to Hong Kong. He's so interesting...'

     When the guy across the table starts dominating the conversation, outdo him with a one-liner. "Yeah, so,  I just got this new super cool souped-up 1970 Ford Mustang with a 90-thousand horsepower engine I installed myself. It's old but its got a stripe that makes it go faster and..."

"Neat. I just got a new car too; a Ferrari."

"Oh yeah? Well the performance specs on Italian cars are like, super overrated, and with all the ultra-custom radiator and spark plug modifications I put into my Ford, I bet I'd win against your car in a race. Let's do it to see whose car is better."

"Sorry, I left the Ferrari back at the estate."

And then the guy would be like, 'Crap, he doesn't feel a compulsive need to engage in a fight against me like two male peacocks displaying their plumage. He didn't even talk about the square footage of his home!'

And the girl 'Wow, he doesn't have a house, he has an estate! That's so totally, like, mysterious.'

     If you need another example of conversation-dominating one-liners at work, here you go: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qBJ6yptGqm4  (I recommend you watch the whole thing, but if you're short on time, the best part begins at 2:40)

     3. What you drink and how you drink it affects your swagger level

     What you drink: Bourbon over white wine. Cranberry juice and Sprite over a Shirley Temple. Black  coffee over a flavored latte. San Pelligrino or Perrier over Aquafina. You don't always have to sacrifice taste, but just be aware that taste and class are both tied to chairs blindfolded, and you have a gun with one bullet chambered. And some sort of wifi-door lock that only opens after you kill a metaphorical social concept, or something. I don't know. Drink classy things.

     How you drink it: If you want to call a toast for your second cousin Rick, you know what would look stupid in your glass as you raise it? A straw. No straws.

     Do you have any tips for increasing your swagger? How do YOU make yourself the center of attention at an engagement without becoming the "ME-monster"? Are you a lobbyist from the bendy straw industry that wishes to invite me to a lunch that is actually an assassination? Leave a comment below.