Merry Christmas!!!

It's Christmas Eve, and while this is a perfect time to launch into a tirade about the "war on Christmas" and how much I hate it when people working at Walgreen's reply to my "Merry Christmas" with "Happy Holidays", I'm not going to write about that. I'm going to write about the true meaning of Christmas.

No, it's not your family. No one cares about them except you, so stop bringing them up. It's not about presents or happiness or music either. It's about the fulfillment of a promise.

Man fell, and God devised a plan to save us. He promised his people in Israel that a Messiah would come and free them. And today we celebrate the fulfillment of that promise. Today (and Tomorrow...I'm not sure whether Christmas Eve or Christmas Day was the one people started celebrating first) we celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ (my Lord and Savior), the first fulfillment of that promise. Jesus' death and resurrection freed us from sin and death, but both were preceded by Jesus' miraculous birth from a Virgin, under a bright new star.

That's the meaning of Christmas. If you're not religious (and even if you are), take a few minutes tonight and read the story of Jesus' birth in the Bible (you're getting a bunch of presents tomorrow- come on, it's the very least you can do). Also worth reading are the (ORIGINAL, NOT LAME NEW) lyrics of "We Three Kings". The last four verses of the five deal with Jesus' birth, life, death and resurrection. That's the central, pivotal life in the history of Man.

Everything else about Christmas- the company of family, the presents, the music and cheer- all come from the joy we feel upon the fulfillment of God's promise. If you like what you read tonight, take a moment to pray and ask God to show himself to you, that you could start on a journey with him.

Merry Christmas everyone! Blessings of God upon you and your family during this season and the upcoming year :) Amen.

Two Smartphone Apps that NEED to be made NOW!

I'm typing from English class, so this is going to be a quick post. Also, I can only type in HTML instead of blogger's compose tool, so sorry in advance for any formatting errors. ANYWAY, I keep looking around the app store for a few apps that I can't find, and just have so much utility it's hard to believe they don't exist. There are probably 10 I want made, but because I get out of class in 28 minutes, here are my top two. 1)IRS Tax App I know this sounds seriously boring, and it's not going to be totally useful for people filing complicated small-business returns or PEOPLE WHO DON'T PAY INTO THE SYSTEM AND RECIEVE BENEFITS ANYWAY... But seriously guys. How many millions of 20 and 30-somethings file simple federal tax returns each year?? And how much money do we waste on paper and crap? All you would have to do is check a few boxes, fill in a field with your after-tax income and click send. Then you would take a screenshot of your "tax forms sent" sheet so the government can't screw you and pretend you never filed returns. The government likes screwing its citizens. I'm dead serious. April 15? No problem, I'll just take out my smartphone... A college computer science intern at the IRS could whip one of these up in 10 minutes at no cost (and a lot of savings and convenience) to the taxpayer. Old people would hate it, but they can suck it up, because I'm paying for their retirement! 2) Trap Music Soundboard Soundboards are a great way to interject into conversations using your favorite comedian or funny foreign accent. It's only short little soundbites,and trap music has a whole lot of those. I'm dead serious, this doesn't exist yet. A quick "WHAT", "Damn, son, where'd you find this?" or "Trapaholics- real trap SHIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiiiiiittttt" would add laughs and flavor to any conversation. And yet, where is this laughter? Caught at the back of the mind of a Web design-music double major. What apps do you want to see made that don't exist yet? Leave a comment below.

The Soviet Socialist Republic of San Francisco: A Tourist's Harrowing Story

Sorry its taken a while guys- I've been sick.

Anyways, here's my story about the time I visited the SSRSF. And why that city is representative of everything wrong with the world.

So a while ago the family decides to visit San Francisco on spring break to see my aunt on my dad's side and uncle on my mom's. And I'm like, "aight", because you guys know I'm chill like that.
So we get off the flight in the San Francisco airport. And as soon as I get off the plane, I see a male in his early twenties, sitting in an ergonomic, local-artist-designed chair, wearing a leopard-print scarf (this was March in California) and typing on his giant Apple Laptop. I immediately was like, "yeah, this is going to be a problem". I mean, he didn't even have the decency to buy a HP computer. Those are made in California, too, you regionally-oriented hipster tool.

It's a Mac, but I actually run Linux on it, because selling out to software corporations is too mainstream.

But, like all evil things, the SSRSF attempted to trick me into liking it. After I expressed my disdain for the renewable energy sources powering the airport and passing their costs down to me in the form of Hudson News price hikes, we rode the monorail to the rental car place. I calmed down, because everyone loves monorails. At the rental car place, in an event that I'm almost inclined to call a miracle, we avoided receiving a Prius. That night, we checked into our room at a big, three-towered Mariott (in a very bad area, but I was feeling pretty good and didn't notice at first), and took a trip to my aunt's place on a big hill. We took a walk a few blocks to the ocean, passing by some awesome houses (including Robin Williams' Summer home) and the South Korean consulate. We went to an ocean view park (it might or might not have been the "presidio") that overlooked the sea and the Golden Gate Bridge. It was wonderful, and we had a great dinner of steamed crabs (my mother and sister were bothered by their death claws at the side of the pot), steamed artichoke ('leaves", I think?) and sourdough bread. Then we checked out my Uncle's (aunt's husband) art studio. He paints ducks for duck-stamp competitions. He's really talented. And an ex-hippy conservative, which makes me incredibly proud. It was wonderful, and I so enjoyed spending time with the family.

The next day we met up with my uncle and aunt. We played with their dog and drove around the city a bunch. First we drove through Castro Street and saw men in pink thongs (one was also in blackface) smoking marijuana on a street corner. It's a matter of debate whether or not the Ninth Amendment may give you the right to do things like that, but what is not debatable is that I was thoroughly appalled by mankind's propensity to do stupid things in public. I don't care whether or not you possess controlled substances, how scantily clad you are or how racially insensitive your body paint is as long as you stay in your house where I can't see it. Also, I will soon write a post about why "medical marijuana" is about as effective as "medical tobacco".

But I digress. After that my aunt (uncle's wife), a very smart woman who leads the anatomy and physiology department at the University of San Francisco, showed me around the medical school there (as I'm weighing my options on that front). The facilities were very nice, and they even have a fully-equiped fake mini-ER with dummies and everything. We also got to check out the cadaver lab. There were a lot of dead people there.

Anyway, we drove around for a while, had a nice dinner, and heard some great police stories from my uncle. Day 2 was pretty nice.

Then came the dawn of the third day.

We spent most of the day at Fisherman's Wharf, which is more touristy than Las Vegas during Japan's peak vacation season. It was kinda cool, I guess. I got free Ghirardelli samples and saw an oxygen bar. Anyway, that night the concierge directs us to a Chinese place for dinner. We get there, and it looks pretty "spartan", as my dad said. Then a very nice, flamboyant gentleman walking a pug tells us that the food is great, and to not let the looks deceive us. He really was quite nice. And fashionable. I liked his dog.

No caption can improve this picture.

We talked with this guy about the weather for a while, thanked him for the tip, bid goodbye and went into the restaurant. It was called "Kim Thanh". Don't ever go there.

That night, I began to feel a very mild pain in my stomach. AND I SPENT THE ENTIRE NIGHT VOMITING! Which wouldn't have been so bad, had I not been forced to clean out the trashcan where my first projectile had hit, which made me vomit more in the toilet.

The next day I was really dehydrated, and my mom refused to take me to the hospital. Until at 3, she finally relented as I threw up the gatorade she had given me, putting my fluid intake for the day at 0. She decided we'd take a cab to one of the state-subsidized public hospitals. I was quite adamant that a private hospital would be better able to handle me, given, you know, free markets and all, but my mother insisted. Now that I think about it, I wonder if any private hospitals exist in the SSRSF. Anyway, after about 5 hours in the waiting room listening to a mother-daughter pair of Asians in which the mother spoke without an accent and the daughter spoke with a heavy one and nagged her mother to eat, I was finally triaged.

During triaging, a 400-pound, 7 foot transvestite wearing a blond wig barged in and demanded he be seen. After the nurse politely calmed him, he finished triaging me. And I waited for another hour and a half. Then I was brought to a room, passing moaning people lying on gurneys in the hallway. There was blood on the equipment tray in my room, that they cleaned off with the antiseptic equivalent of a Wet One in my room in a nonchalant manner that implied it happened all the time. After getting enough  Zofran to stop a horse's esophageal convulsions and some fluids, I was discharged. We waited about 45 minutes for a cab.

I eventually recovered and left with my Aunt and Uncle for Lake Tahoe. It was beautiful. The cabin we were in was spacious (and had a hot tub), the skiing was great, and I got to see my cousin, who was finishing up law school at UC Davis at the time (he just recently passed the bar- Go Mark!). I realized that Tahoe was so great because of all of the influence from the Libertarian, Gun-Owning, Prostitution-decriminalizing Nevadans nearby. No, I don't approve of their laws regarding prostitution. I'm just saying, they're doing SOMETHING right.

CONCLUSION:

San Francisco can still be saved. In my short time there, I saw more human kindness from my family members, passers-by, and my ER doctor than I see in a month here in the midwest. I didn't even ever grow up or live there- perhaps even more stories of human worth can come from these people. Economic activity is growing due to the presence of IT and biomedical companies (despite the attempts of local regulators to destroy the bourgeoisie counter-revolutionaries), and the city sits in an absolutely stunning location. San Francisco can still be saved from Marx's relentless advance. I urge you, take a second and think about the freedom you have, and how to spread it to others. One day I hope to liberate that fine city of Giants and Gold Miners. Join me in doing so.

ADDENDUM: San Francisco is apparently ruled by this guy: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ed_Lee_(politician)

He's somewhat new. Let us hope he institutes glasnost  and perestroika.

Three Reasons Why Somali Pirates should find new careers

     I saw Captain Phillips Yesterday. It was a little inaccurate compared to the TV documentary I saw, but it was pretty good. I also totally didn't know that it was Tom Hanks in the movie until like, eight minutes ago. Seriously though, Somali Pirates are a serious problem. It's gotten so bad that Britney Spears is now our most effective counter-piracy weapon: http://www.kpopstarz.com/articles/68394/20131205/britney-spears-songs-aimed-somali-pirates-new-weapon-high-seas.htm  I mean, seriously?
     Here's why Somalians should stop being pirates.
     1. Having nuclear waste dumped on you is no excuse for rude behavior
     People say that Somalia only turned to piracy after companies owned by the Italian mafia dumped nuclear waste in their waters. Whether or not this happened, it's no excuse. Seriously. Ukraine didn't go all crazy after Chernobyl (they were crazy long before; its those darn Russians). Pennsylvanians don't hijack cars traveling from New York to Ohio because of Three Mile Island. And when the Fukushima disaster hit Japan, there was NO LOOTING. I know I give Japan a hard time, but its legitimately refreshing to see people act with some honor now a days. In fact, the Japanese are quite orderly in all they do.

Rush Hour in Osaka.

(Sorry, Japan, I couldn't resist. I do genuinely admire the honor with which you conduct yourselves.)
     So no excuses, Somalia. Even if you are a third world country, its still no excuse to act like this. In fact, we're trying to help you out...

     2. The ships they hijack often carry aid for Africa

     Remember the Maersk Alabama? That's what Captain Phillips was about. Yeah. It was carrying a bunch of food aid. Ships carrying aid were hijacked in '05 and '07 too. It's called "looking a gift horse in the mouth", and it's not nice. Now, I'm not supposed to be judging here. In fact, I think that the poverty and terrorism situation in Somalia is bad enough that we should be sending triple the food and medical aid, plus keeping some peacekeeping forces there. Its just that the USA is a lot better to have as a friend than as the ship towing your lifeboat as a team of Navy SEAL snipers wait to get a shot. Those men are the most elite and daring badasses on the planet. 

3 Confirmed Kills. We're done here. Hey, Nate, when's the game on!?

     3. As in most of that area of the world, the problem is Al-Qaeda

     Somalia has been ravaged by a terrible civil war since the early 90s. Once again, the problem is Islamic fundamentalists. The lack of a stable government has hurt the nation more than anything else, and terrorism abounds. Al-Qaeda is rearing its ugly head once again, and an organization called the "Islamic Courts Union" has established Sharia law in much of the south. Instead of concentrating their efforts on ransoming off the people concerned with establishing religious liberty and promoting economic development in third nations, maybe they should help out the Pan-African Union peacekeeping forces in establishing a functioning government again. If you do, we got your back, Jack.

     In all seriousness, that poor nation has been through a lot. It doesn't excuse piracy, but I understand why people are being forced into that way of life. I think it's important as a nation to support their economic development and transitional government. Also, though, and most importantly, I think Somalia is in need of prayer. If you're so inclined, perhaps take a minute tonight to pray for the well-being of people there? 

     The next post will be about why San Francisco is the world's worst city. Have fun listening to my personal experiences. Post will come either Friday night or Saturday during the day.

     Comments? Praise for US Navy Personnel? Drop a comment.

Three Easy Steps to Increase your Swagger

     Swagger is not "swag" as youth today call it; there are absolutely no snapbacks or hemp clothing articles involved. Swagger is simply the American slang word for "class". Being classy is not something you can learn through a course, its a lifestyle. That being said, here is an online course about increasing your swagger.
      In order to teach swagger, let us first set up a situation: you are attending a distant relative's wedding, and flying solo. Let us begin.

1. Choosing the right tie makes all the difference.

     "Hong Kong? I know a good tailor in Hong Kong."-James Bond in Diamonds are Forever

     My father loves that quote, and as a young man he resolved to one day "know a good tailor" in Hong Kong. Of course, now that he travels to China all the time on business, he does know a good tailor in Hong Kong. Several, actually. They custom-tailor shirts for him and send them back to the US. And they're something like 350 HK dollars a piece (like 45 bucks). However, the best part is that he always brings me back silk ties. They're cheap over there because silk is so abundant, and the Hong Kong Chinese have long been versed in Western patterns and styles through the British. As such, I get new classy ties several times a year.

     Things to remember when choosing a tie:

     The color wheel. Light Blue shirts are complemented by dark, rich orange ties. Black ties go with white shirts. Pink or light red shirts go well with forest green ties. Darker ties also work well with shirts of the same color but a lighter hue. I should note that there is a fair deal of flexibility with color (Deep Purples and Golds generally pair well with almost anything), but don't wear a purple shirt with a yellow tie. You will be met with one of two questions; either "Are you joking?" or "Are you Belgian?".

Sir, get the %$&# out of my store. 

     Next, and most importantly, the pattern-matching. Square patterns go so well with pinstriped shirts- my favorite tie currently is a rich burnt orange with a very thin green square pattern. It sounds crazy, but it fits so well with the shirts I have. Plain shirts have a fair deal of flexibility; just make sure the color and pattern of the tie work well together with the shirt. "Peaked" (I prefer to avoid the term "polka dotted", because its NOT AT ALL an accurate descriptor) patterns generally fit well with plain shirts, for example (see our Joseph A. Banks guy above- notice how the color of the dots matches that of his shirt). Finally, the pattern of the coat (striped, plain, checkered, or even a tartan of sorts) will also factor in to which tie patterns work well. As an example of what does not work, my favorite tie when I was younger was a red, black and white diagonally striped tie. The colors were rich and matched with almost any suit. The pattern made sure that I looked like an idiot in almost any suit.
     If there's ever any doubt on a tie choice, just text a picture to your mom. If she can figure out how to reply to a text, she'll have some good advice. She wants you to look good for second cousin Rick's wedding, after all.

     2. Be sociable; dominate the conversation using only one-liners

     This is truly an art. No one likes the awkward guy sitting alone and staring at people, but no one likes the loudmouthed braggart either (I often struggle with finding the balance myself, and find myself swinging between extremes). In fact, the arrogant loudmouth is the worst person to be at a social engagement; it is the opposite of class. The goal here is to avoid sounding arrogant, while making yourself sound like an interesting person despite the fact you're a total dork. You do this with one-liners; they make it hard to be overly proud, but leave an air of mystery about you. If the girl sitting next to you at the table during the reception compliments your tie, don't say, "Thank You so very much. My father got it for me in China, he's a super important businessman, and he does lots of supply chain work. It's made of silk, which is really very expensive, but also soft and BLAH BLAH BLAH...."

AAAANNNNDDDD she's gone.

Simply say something like "Thanks. I know a good tailor in Hong Kong." Classy. Swagger mode initiated. And what's going through her mind at that point? 'Ohmigosh, he goes to Hong Kong. He's so interesting...'

     When the guy across the table starts dominating the conversation, outdo him with a one-liner. "Yeah, so,  I just got this new super cool souped-up 1970 Ford Mustang with a 90-thousand horsepower engine I installed myself. It's old but its got a stripe that makes it go faster and..."

"Neat. I just got a new car too; a Ferrari."

"Oh yeah? Well the performance specs on Italian cars are like, super overrated, and with all the ultra-custom radiator and spark plug modifications I put into my Ford, I bet I'd win against your car in a race. Let's do it to see whose car is better."

"Sorry, I left the Ferrari back at the estate."

And then the guy would be like, 'Crap, he doesn't feel a compulsive need to engage in a fight against me like two male peacocks displaying their plumage. He didn't even talk about the square footage of his home!'

And the girl 'Wow, he doesn't have a house, he has an estate! That's so totally, like, mysterious.'

     If you need another example of conversation-dominating one-liners at work, here you go: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qBJ6yptGqm4  (I recommend you watch the whole thing, but if you're short on time, the best part begins at 2:40)

     3. What you drink and how you drink it affects your swagger level

     What you drink: Bourbon over white wine. Cranberry juice and Sprite over a Shirley Temple. Black  coffee over a flavored latte. San Pelligrino or Perrier over Aquafina. You don't always have to sacrifice taste, but just be aware that taste and class are both tied to chairs blindfolded, and you have a gun with one bullet chambered. And some sort of wifi-door lock that only opens after you kill a metaphorical social concept, or something. I don't know. Drink classy things.

     How you drink it: If you want to call a toast for your second cousin Rick, you know what would look stupid in your glass as you raise it? A straw. No straws.

     Do you have any tips for increasing your swagger? How do YOU make yourself the center of attention at an engagement without becoming the "ME-monster"? Are you a lobbyist from the bendy straw industry that wishes to invite me to a lunch that is actually an assassination? Leave a comment below.

Post coming later Tonight!

     I am otherwise occupied this evening, but when I return, I'll be writing a long post about "increasing your swagger". Expect it sometime after 10pm CST.
     Also, a shout out to Cole Hamilton. I forgot what he did, but he did something I was supposed to give him credit for, so, yeah. Go Cole!

Four Reasons why Four Square is the world's greatest sport

     First off, I know there have been some issues viewing the pictures on certain browsers. I'll start working on a fix for that.
     We've all been playing four square since our elementary school days. We still do because it is one of the finest sports ever conceived of by man. A good game of four square is like a fine wine; one must decant it first, then savor the different flavors. Like a wine, a game becomes better with age, as the intricacies of it begin to show. A game of four square has one last similarity to wine: the best ones come from America (Napa Valley, California, is still considered part of America despite attempts by the Soviet Socialist Republic of San Francisco [SSRSF, or CCPC in Russian] to annex it). For those who believe France is the world's leader in wines, read this article: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Judgment_of_Paris_(wine) I personally like the part where the one French judge requests her scorecard back after the results were announced. Hilarious.
     Back to Four Square. Here are the reasons why Four Square is just the bomb.com:

1. There are about a million different varieties

     Think about this: back as a kid, there were games without smashes, games with special hits like the "cherry bomb", in which a player has 20 seconds to retrieve the ball and put it back into play, games with double-touch as a rule, and even games where holding the ball is acceptable. Its ostensible to say 

that there are so many different rule varieties, it is impossible to play them all.

     2. It gets intensely political

     Never before have I realized how fragile international relations are. You dive for a ball to save yourself, it accidentally hits your ally's square, and that's it. Its over. Your only hope is that your enemies turn on themselves like the Sith. You have to choose who to target, when to make your move, and what cards to put on the table. It's awesome, because one bad move and you're relentlessly targeted for as long as you stay with that group of people. Never before had I realized that an overinflated ball would be all it would take to start a global thermonuclear war.

     3. Some seriously awesome plays happen

     Everyone looks cool at least once a game when they hit a good shot. Backhands, headers and 360 no-scope slams are just a part of the game. Because all body parts are allowed, you get some crazy dives, passes between players, and mid-air crotch blocks. Testicles are second to victory.

     4. You don't need a lot to play

     Colored tape and a ball. And shoes. And the will of the warrior. Compare this to baseball and football, where an entire field that could be used to grow food for a developing nation has to be utilized, or even basketball, where you need a 10 ft. metal pole. Like, seriously. This can be the game the entire world gets behind.

     So let's work on pushing a proposal through the olympic committee, okay? Okay.

     What's your favorite Four Square Story? Do you prefer to play Five Isosceles Triangle instead? Any neat variants? Is there enough interest to start a professional league? TELL ME TELL ME TELL ME (in the comments)

Why naps are fantastic!

     I just woke up from a wonderful evening nap. Naps are just the greatest; its like overtime sleeping. And the payout is doubled, just like overtime work. When should you take a nap? There are no limits. You can nap, like, whenever. The English Professor Mason Cooley once said "When you can't figure out what to do, it's time for a nap". And naps are great for stressful situations, because when you wake up from your dream of being the patriarch of an ideal 1950s family, you are more intelligent and alert. Ronald Reagan once said, "I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting". Oh, Ronnie Ray-Gun, you scamp!
     I know what you're thinking! You're saying to yourself, "Napping is Un-American! This guy wants to write about America, but he has no idea what's American! America is to busy being cool to nap! Oh, really? I understand that the United States is busy most days each year, but even America takes naps. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Martin Luther King Jr. day, all are just long naps for the country that leads the free world. So, why don't you consider that next time you dare to challenge my intellectual authority?
     Finally, naps are great because cuddling is the bomb. And whether you sleep cuddling a significant other, stuffed animals or some of those creepy-ass pillows with pictures of people on them, you wake up with increased levels of oxytocin, which we all know is responsible for both warm, fuzzy feelings and lactation.

     Nap-related events that are not American:

• Siestas
• Catnaps
• Psychoactive Drug-induced comas
• The length of the European work-week

     Why do you like naps? When do you take them? On a scale of Benedict Arnold to John Pershing, just how important are naps to national security? Do you fall asleep while reading this blog? Drop a comment or eight below!

Three reasons why Germany is the only country in the Eurozone that has its S*%& together

    So many political and international posts... but let me do one more. Germany has avoided the economic and fiscal turmoil that has gripped most of the Eurozone in the wake of the 2008 global crisis. In Greece, the rise of the Neo-Nazi "Golden Dawn" party complicates things in a country traditionally dominated by left-wing parties, but currently run by a center-right one. Furthermore, riots against the very German-funded bailouts that saved the debt-ridden government (the debt-to-GDP ratio currently stands at about 160%, which is not good) are a common occurrence.

Down with the Troika, capitalism, and the government that provides us with the welfare money we use to buy rocks to throw at the police!

     

     The rest of Europe is not doing well either. Spain's unemployment rate stands at 26.6%, and the province of Catalonia continues its efforts to break away from the country. Portugal is in a debt situation similar to that of Greece, and its austerity-oriented government has been rocked by recent scandals. Bailout success stories like that of Ireland are overshadowed by worries about France, which has shifted from Germany's partner in austerity to another nation in fiscal crisis under President Francois Hollande. Even Belgium, the fiscally stable country in which the Capital of the EU is situated, can't seem to do anything but loosen regulations on austerity cuts (considering Belgium is divided into essentially two countries by a linguistic divide, this is the least of their problems- more to come on that later). Successful nations in the EU on their own currency (e.g., Norway, Sweden, Iceland, and other places with blond people who hail from Skyrim) are scurrying away from offers to join the Eurozone like some sort of very quick hamster.
     Europe is in trouble. So why is Germany able to stand its ground?

1. When it comes to left-wing solutions, Germany has been there, and done that

     Often times, left-wing political parties complicate the implementation of effective austerity measures, as in the case of Greece. As I hope you all know, Germany was divided into east and west after WW2 (if you don't know that, then maybe you should quit replaying CoD: World at War and watch a freaking history channel special for once in your life). The fact that the socialist east suffered through debilitating depressions, repression of political freedoms and even food shortages is enough to turn modern Germans away from the more radical leftist solutions; the socialist Die Linke Party (the successor to the East German Party of Democratic Socialism) is currently the smallest party with representation in the Bundestag. This wariness of extremism (which I should note is present toward far-right groups as well) eliminates the confounding variable leftist groups cause in other nations during austerity proposals. In short, the last time the far left was in power, the capital got a giant wall built around it. No one wants that again.

     2. Angela Merkel doesn't mess around

     

     Chancellor Merkel (who I should note holds a Ph.D in Chemistry) is smart as a whip, a career politician and most importantly, doesn't put up with tomfoolery. She's a hardliner, and leads the country during a time when a hardline approach is necessary. I'm not endorsing or criticizing her; all I'm saying is, she's tough. Like a German Margaret Thatcher. Who was the female, British Ronald Reagan. Who was the second most badass President to ever live behind Teddy Roosevelt, who delivered a 90-minute speech while shot. So there you have it. An unwavering character who pushed for austerity when Europe needed a path to stability.

This is not a woman you want to meet in a metaphorical "dark alleyway".

     3. The mainstream parties in Germany cooperate

     The center-right CDU and center-left SPD differ on a few key issues, but underneath it all they share a similar commitment to maintaining the strength of the European community, ensuring Germany's fiscal stability, and above all, guarding against political extremism (Germany actually has an agency, the Bundesamt fuer Verfassungsschutz, that monitors and bans extreme political parties. I don't agree with it, but it demonstrates the strength of the commitment). Cooperation is so widespread that the CDU and SPD actually governed together from 2005-2009, and seem posed to do so again (this is effectively the equivalent of getting the entire House of Representatives to join in a big group hug). This cooperation helps to advance Germany's policy agenda and ensures stability.

     Vielen Dank fuer Euere Aufmerksamkeit! Ich wuensche nur die beste für Deutschland in Zunkunft.

      Questions? Comments? Secret Communist Sympathies? Limited-Time Offers? Drop a comment below.

What's with Japan?

     Okay, so I actually don't know why this is, but I'd like everyone's opinion: what's with Japan?

They've:

• Continued to fish dolphin on a commercial scale despite the fact that biomagnification gives the dolphin one of the highest concentrations of mercury in the animal Kingdom
• Continued to maintain a shrine honoring war criminals from World War 2 (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yasukuni_Shrine)
• Encouraged inemuri (napping on the job) in the private sector, as a means to prove that you are working so hard that you need to sleep while at work
• Just begun to realize the Wii U isn't hitting the sales figures
• Organized mass protests against the airing of Korean dramas on Japanese TV (I might write about the Japanese-Korean relationship in the future; they've got some history)
• Elected a Prime Minister that looks like this:

     So, what does everyone think? How different is the Yasukuni Shrine from the numerous southern High Schools named after Robert E. Lee? What's with the dolphins? Just, like, what's their deal? Leave what you have to say in the comments. And drop a new topic you'd like me to address too, if you like.

Wendy's Frosties and Chill Drivers

     I was going to do a post on why Japan is so crazy (check back later, we'll see how I feel after I nap), but I must talk about my experience this afternoon.
     So, I'm headed out to get some gas for my car, when I notice that I have one coupon left for a free frosty from Wendy's (for those of you that don't know, Wendy's does a charity promotion every year leading up to halloween where a $1 donation gets you a coupon book with 5 free frosties). And of course, I'm like, "Bitchin'". So after I put in 10 gallons I drive over to the nearby Wendy's. After washing my hands (because gasoline is wildly carcinogenic), I redeemed this coupon. You're supposed to get a "Junior" size, but the guy gives me a Small. And once again, I'm like, "Bitchin'".
    Now I'm going to digress. First of all, I bet frosty sales have doubled since they introduced vanilla a few years back. Also, this program is highly ineffectual. I bet Wendy's loses more money from giving out free frosties than they give to charity. I bet they hedged their bets and hoped that only making the coupons valid during the winter would decrease the percentage redeemed.
    When it comes to free food, Wendy's underestimated me. And America.
     Anyway, I'm leaving the little strip mall area and need to take a right turn. I try to get on the right side of this car thats going straight, but the lane is too narrow. Then, she pulls up a little to let me through, then backs up afterward. I give her a thumbs up and she returns it.
     I want to marry a girl like that. It was a good day.

First Post: 5 Reasons why the US Post Office shouldn't exist

     I have decided to begin this blog to share my razor-sharp wit, great intellect and questionable mental stability with the world. My goal is simply to share with the world my opinions and views on Politics, Economics, Culture, Obesity, Trap music, and frozen yogurt. That is, I plan to talk about Freedom, Prosperity, and Swagger in America.
     I begin with a topic that needs addressing. If you ever needed proof that politicians spend all their time arguing about clearly static problems instead of opting for get-the-government-rich-quick schemes, here it is: the U.S. Post office still exists. The fact that I sit here now writing this on a computer, and you reading this on your phone or laptop (or Samsung tablet, if you hail from the hipster cities of Austin, Portland, or the Soviet Socialist Republic of San Francisco, all of which will be on the receiving end of one of these commentaries soon enough) should be reason enough for the Post Office to no longer exist. But if that's not enough, here are 5 reasons as to why we should wipe the US Post office from the annals of history.

1. Mailmen are mean... 

     My mother always told me that dogs were the best judges of character. Dogs don't just chase mailmen because they drive cars (well, mine does). All I'm saying is, when was the last time your mailman said "have a nice day" or even "Oh, boy! You sure got a lot of mail today!"? One more thing: if you took offense to the fact that I used the term "mailman" instead of the gender-neutral "mail-carrier", this is the wrong blog for you.

     2. In the mail-delivery cars, the driver sits on the right.

     What is this, Britain? Communist China?

     3. The collector's stamp designs are horrible.

     Some are cool. One of their new releases was the Battle of Lake Erie from the War of 1812. Then there are Lady Bird Johnson collector stamps. And Innovative Choreographers. And Johnny Cash. And O. Henry, a 19th Century short-story writer with a horrible mustache. All show things only baby-boomers remember, and all are created with taxpayer money, so that they can sit there and not be sold, because e-mail is free.

     4. Because We Can.

     Article 1, Section 8 of the US Constitution enumerates the powers of Congress. One of the powers delegated to Congress is as follows: "To Establish Post Offices and Post Roads".

     From there, its not too far a jump to "Annihilate Post Offices and Post Roads".

     5. When is the last time you sent a letter?

     No, seriously. I'm asking.